We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Of course I have a pirate flag
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I think I just sharted jello shots
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
