did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
