i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
sarcasm needs its own font
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
