Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
