the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
