I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
