she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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