He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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