I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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