she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I have tasted many bathrooms
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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