I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
