oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
