So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
