when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
