someone threw a dead crab at me
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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