and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
