she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
