We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
