So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
