$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
