Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
