You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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