Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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