Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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