he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
be right there i have to get my cape
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
