somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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