I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
