1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
