You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
