I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
