I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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