Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
