you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
