I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
