Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
