I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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