You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
