Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
