Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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