Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
