Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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