just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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