i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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