I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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