you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
