You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
