I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I want her autograph on my taint
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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