is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
