Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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