You can't special order awesome
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
